December 31, 2019 – It’s been a year. Man, has it been a year! Like many folks, the end of the calendar year brings reflection and remembrance…and, perhaps, a little remorse. For me, even the month of December brought a flood of new experiences along with memories from the prior year.
I decided, in an indirect way, to have a heart-to-heart talk with myself. Maybe this time I’ll listen.
Writer’s Block
Two more feature articles (see screen shot below) were published online this month (December) at StoryBoard Memphis. While I’ve enjoyed writing these stories along with researching and learning about my subjects, feature writing has taken me away from my true writing love – fiction. So, at some point in 2020, I want to block out enough time to finish my novel.
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| Yes, Elvis is truly everywhere…even in Arizona’s Verde Valley. |
Heart-to-Heart
It’s been one year (December 21, 2018) since I had a heart attack. I wrote about my experience last year at this same time (see All I Want For Christmas…). Life has changed, life has stayed the same, and, as we all know, life moves on. My heart attack was essentially genetic, but I’ve got to continue to take care of myself – like all of us – in order to prevent any more issues.
In an ironic twist, on December 21st (2019), Skincancer.net re-shared one of my blog posts (A Walk in the Park) in their Facebook feed. It’s one of my favorite pieces from 2019 with a very simple message: nothing in life is a walk in the park.
Survivor’s Guilt
One definition of survivor’s guilt states that someone may feel guilty – as though he or she has done something wrong – because they have survived a traumatic or life-threatening event when others have not. Those of us who deal with cancer walk a tightrope of emotions, and survivor’s guilt can rear its ugly head at any moment – especially during the holiday season. I previously talked about my own guilty feelings in the post An Emotional Morning.
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| A great shot from Miles for Melanoma. Our Centrum Silver moment.
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That guilt and pain took center stage right after New Years when I found out that yet another friend had died from cancer. This friend and I shared the same birth date (May 20) and with his passing the close-knit blues music community (national and international) lost a great advocate.
Reflecting on Another Year
I’ve grown tremendously this past year – both as an advocate for skin cancer research and melanoma prevention and as a writer with several published stories to my credit. One of my big successes -under both advocacy and writing – was a piece published (online) nationally by Coolibar Sun Protective Clothing. As it turned out, the original story (from July 31, 2019) was re-shared by Coolibar on Facebook on December 30th.
December 31st
It’s been five (5) years since my mom died, so 2019 ended with an anniversary that no one wanted to celebrate. I’ve written two posts about her decline from dementia and her passing. My dad still misses her very much, of course, but it’s a sad way to ring in the new year…any new year.
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December 4, 2019 – My sister-in-law said it best (via text): Woohoo! Early Christmas Present.
She was exactly right. My six-month oncology appointment at the West Cancer Center ended not with a bang but not with a whimper, either. That’s just how I like it. I initially wanted to title this post – Another Day, Another Scan. But I liked my sister-in-law’s text message better.
My cancer (metastatic melanoma) stays unchanged. The few remaining tumors have not grown – or shrunk – in size for nearly three years. That IS good news and something to celebrate. Hence the picture of Jack and Coke that accompanies this post.
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| ‘Tis the season |
Like any other child on Christmas morning, I still get excited opening a present – even if I’m pretty sure I know what’s inside. My family doesn’t know this – until they read this post – but I love to come downstairs early on Christmas morning, with the sun peeking through the living room blinds, and stare at the Christmas tree, now surrounded by gifts. For me, that moment is a perfect gift. One that I hope to continue to receive.
I still have cancer. That’s obviously a bummer, but as I’ve said many times before, I live my life and enjoy what’s here to greet me every day. Not everyone with cancer can do that. So, I’m thankful and fortunate. For me, that is also a definite gift…and one that I will never take for granted.
As always, thanks for listening. Happy Holidays!
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September 26, 2019 – Melanoma has also left an imprint on Ken’s family. “Vicki has been my rock throughout this entire process,” says Ken. “She goes with me to every appointment. She also tackles all of the insurance forms and doctor’s bills so I can focus on getting better. Most importantly, she’s the ultimate glass-half-full person.”
The above quote is from an online article – that I co-wrote and edited – about my melanoma journey recently published by the Melanoma Research Alliance (CureMelanoma.org).
The article highlights an important aspect of battling cancer – support. I wouldn’t be here now without the love and support of my family and close friends. And I have no closer friend than my best friend, Vicki. She is truly my rock and the glue that hold our family together.
It’s also important to understand that not everyone has this loving support. That’s a horribly sad aspect of having a potentially fatal disease. It’s also, unfortunately, part of our cultural and, in some ways, part of human DNA. That’s why the work of organizations like the MRA and the American Cancer Society and so many others are so necessary in the fight against cancer. All cancers, not just melanoma.
Here’s the link to the MRA article:
https://www.curemelanoma.org/blog/article/living-life-with-melanoma
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Over the past several months, I have shared – online – my melanoma journey story. The posts have appeared on Facebook, Twitter, this blog, Skincancer.net, and even LinkedIn. Each post has a slight variation to it. Some of these I have authored myself and some – like this one from the Melanoma Research Alliance (MRA) – were written by the organization. As I said in several of the lead-ins to the posts, I am humbled by the responses and the support I have received. I am truly fortunate.
Thanks, as always, for listening.
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Writer’s Note – I’ll continue to update my blog on a periodic basis. No set schedule. So, I want to thank everyone who continues to stop by and check out my blog. Please leave a comment or message; I’d love to hear from you.
September 14, 2019 – Clear blue skies with a slight breeze from the North made our walk somewhat tolerable. If I could, I think I’d spend every Saturday morning walking around a lake – even a human-made one!
Vicki and I had just finished walking 3.1 miles as part of the West Cancer Center’s (**) annual Fight On event, which is held at Shelby Farms. Fight On raises money for West’s cancer research, patient services, and community outreach.
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| It takes a village.
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Like many of these events, there was a temporary village erected in the lower-bowl of a field that sloped down to the human-made lake. Vendor tents, food, beverages, face painting, and kids’ games gave the event a carnival-like feel.
At some point in the morning, an announcer asked that all survivors and fighters gather for a ceremony and group photo. Am I survivor? I hesitated…I’m never really sure what to call myself. I joined the group as – I suppose – a fighter. Obviously, I still have cancer, but my treatment situation is so different that to most people I appear to have beaten cancer.
The group finished with recognizing those who had lost their battle and those who continue to battle cancer. It was time for the group photo. I was handed a small bell to ring. Ringing the bell has become synonymous with finishing your treatments and, hopefully, ridding yourself of cancer. I decided I was ringing the bell for our daughter, Emily, who is now cancer-free.
It was an emotional moment.
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Vicki and I grabbed another complimentary beer, and I stood there looking out over the grassy field and the knoll that separated the lower-bowl from the upper-bowl. It was peaceful. It was calm.
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Ribbons to honor and remember all those
touched by cancer. |
I just stood there. Suddenly, I choked up. Vick looked at me and asked if I was okay. Then my emotions flooded out. I cried. I put my head down on her shoulder and wept. She asked again what was the matter. What got me?
I told her that no one should die from cancer. I asked Why me? and Why not someone else? In other words, Why am I still here? I haven’t felt that much pain – sadness – inside me in a very long time. It took a little while, but, eventually, I regained my composure. Earlier, I had taken my shoes off – after our 5K walk. I sat down and put my socks and shoes back on.
I just sat there and stared – again – at the empty grass and the knoll. I wondered if this was what heaven might look like. You start in a lower-bowl and walk uphill, unable to see anything past the rise. Once you get to the top of the ridge, the upper-bowl levels out and everyone you’ve missed – everyone who’s gone before you – is there. Waiting.
Like I said, it was an emotional morning.
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Survivor’s guilt can manifest itself in a variety of ways and, naturally, for a variety of reasons. Those of us with cancer are particularly sensitive to fellow cancer patients and their situations. For me, I think ringing that little bell Saturday morning reminded me how precious life truly is. And how fortunate I am. No one should ever go through what Vicki and I have been through. Unfortunately, it happens all too frequently.
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| Survivors, fighters, and friends. |
** The West Center is now known as the West Institute for Cancer Research and is part of the University of Tennessee’s health sciences group.
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Writer’s Note – I’ll continue to update my blog on a periodic basis. No set schedule. So, I want to thank everyone who continues to stop by and check out my blog. Please leave a comment or message; I’d love to hear from you.
August 4, 2019 – It’s been a week filled with a lot of emotion and humility. Mostly it’s been many highs with just a couple of lows. As cliches go, it’s been a whirlwind. I guess I’ll begin at the beginning:
During the prior week, we celebrated my six-year metastatic melanoma (Stage IV) diagnosis. Obviously, it’s a bittersweet celebration, but as long as I’m still around to celebrate – I’ll take it. Here’s an old post from the first year anniversary (July 2014 anniversary).
On Monday, July 29th, we saw my cardiologist for my six-month visit. It’s been a brutal summer here in Memphis, and the heart meds – along with Gleevec – have done a number on me. Tired, fatigued, dehydrated, etc. My heart doctor says that we should stay the course with my medications. In other words, get through the rest of summer and then we’ll re-evaluate his cardiovascular cocktail in December.
Tuesday, July 30th, brought me a sense of relief. With the help of my editor and friend, Jayden Terrell, I completed my novel manuscript sample and submitted it for agent/editor review. The agent/editor critique will occur during the Killer Nashville International Writers Conference, which will be held later in August in the Cool Springs area, just outside of Franklin, Tennessee. I’ve been writing this book – off and on – for almost ten years. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, July 31st, I took part in a video conference panel on living with melanoma sponsored by Skincancer.net. It was both an eye-opening and humbling experience to share survival stories with other melanoma warriors.
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| My teammate!
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Note: Skincancer.net is part of the Health Union family of online support communities. Earlier in July, I became a paid contributor (known as an advocate). My work will appear on their website.
Later that afternoon, I found out that my melanoma journey story was published online by Coolibar Sun Protective Clothing. My skin diary story is now on a national website along with survivor stories by Holly Rowe of ESPN and Nora O’Donnell of CBS News. To say that I was psyched would be an understatement.
On Saturday, August 3rd, was the Miles for Melanoma – Memphis (5K) held at Shelby Farms Park. The run/walk is an annual fundraising event for the Melanoma Research Foundation (MRF). I am highly involved with the MRF and their various advocacy initiatives. This was the fifth year that I participated in the Memphis race. It will likely be my last year of active involvement in this event.
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| Very cool!
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To top off a crazy week, I was recognized by the MRF for my fundraising efforts. Another cool, yet humbling, experience.
Let’s hope next week is a little more calm.
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Writer’s Note – I’ll continue to update my blog on a periodic basis. No set schedule. So, I want to thank everyone who continues to stop by and check out my blog. Please leave a comment or message; I’d love to hear from you.
June 22, 2019 – Six months ago I was lying in a hospital bed wondering, “What the hell happened?”
Honestly, I knew what had happened – I had a heart attack! Actually, I had several heart attacks – myocardial infarctions – over a twenty-four hour period. It was surreal. I wasn’t supposed to have heart problems. I have plenty of issues with Stage IV cancer, so no one – myself included – was focused on my heart.
My doctors monitored my cholesterol numbers – good, but not great – and my liver values (also pretty good and stable). My heart? That was something obese people or older people worried about. Not me.
So my melanoma journey diverged to become a health journey. I not only had metastatic melanoma and any recurring skin cancers to worry about; now, I had heart problems to keep me up at night.
Once again, I was fortunate. There was no damage to my heart from the 100% blockage of my right coronary artery (RCA). My new cardiologist put a stent in my RCA and, less than 24 hours later, I went home. My release from the hospital gave new meaning to I’ll Be Home for Christmas.
Note – Here’s the link to the original post about my heart attack: All I Want for Christmas Is…
Christmas and New Years came and went. By mid-January, I was slowly adjusting to my new daily pill regimen. The meds did their job and my cholesterol significantly decreased.
At the end of January, a thirty-six session cardio rehab stint began (see Heart Update at the bottom of Status Quo). Three times a week I spent an hour riding exercise bikes, walking on treadmills, and getting my heart rhythms monitored. Rehab grudgingly became a good routine. After almost three solid months of consistent exercise, I was feeling pretty good and looking okay. (Still need to lose another 5 – 10 pounds.)
Rehab ended in early May and my heart grew lonely (hence the title of this post). Not really. But I did miss the routine and the normalcy of rehab. The steady exercise was good for my heart and, surprisingly, my soul. During that period, I realized that I still have it in me to change. That’s the key – to want it. I have to continue to motivate myself to stay healthy.
The rest of May was hectic for us. A couple of trips along with time at the beach. My cardio routine was broken and it’s taken awhile to get it back. Sometimes good beer and good food will do that.
So, I’m now the owner of a lonely heart. It’s mine and it’s up to me to keep it beating. Like the lyrics of the original Yes song: You’ve got to want to succeed.
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| Miss Susan grows some beautiful irises.
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Melanoma Update – In early June I had my six-month CT scan and blood work. Everything was virtually the same as last November. No new tumors and my existing tumors remain stable and unchanged. Great news! My dermatologist took an additional margin on my back (Ouch!) which turned out to be benign. Also, great news! (See Wake-Up Call for details.)
Heart Update – Nothing new to report (other than what you read above). I’ve been having some issues with excessive heat and humidity. Who doesn’t? I see my cardiologist at the end of July. Hope he has some answers.
Thanks for stopping by.
Note: If you want to leave a comment, just choose “Anonymous” from the Profile Selection drop down bar right below the Comment box. (It’s the very last choice.) Sorry for any confusion.
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Writer’s Note – I’ll continue to update my blog on a periodic basis. No set schedule. So, I want to thank everyone who continues to stop by and check out my blog. Please leave a comment or message; I’d love to hear from you.
