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Yesterday (October 1st) was the end of week six of my cancer treatment. Not much new to report…I still feel pretty good, although I’ve aggravated my upper back again, which is a real bummer. This has gotten annoying because I want to be able to feel “normal” physically…to be able to exercise and do yard work without worrying about straining my back. I realize, of course, that my back will never be the same (see page titled
My Back) after my November 2011 surgery, but the physical uncertainty just makes the mental strain all the more difficult.
Note: I also have other aches and pains, along with mild fatigue, that I’m certain are side effects from the
Gleevec and the cancer.
So, as I’ve stated in prior posts, October 9th (next Wednesday) is “D-Day” for me. I’ll have a CT scan performed in the early afternoon then meet with my doctor later that day to review the results and discuss next steps. What we hope to see is that my tumors have stopped progressing, which means the Gleevec is working and I can continue on it.
Please note that several of the Pages are “under construction” and should be updated shortly.
Thanks, as always, for listening.
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| I’d much rather be out riding my bike and looking at sights like this. |
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Wake Me Up When September Ends
As September comes to a close, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be feeling. I have been unable to write as much as I want to, and I have generally felt ambivalent towards everything. This in spite of feeling physically better over the past two weeks. In fact, I’ve been unmotivated to do much of anything around the house or on the Internet. While I get most of my household chores done, I still mess around and feel like I really haven’t accomplished anything. Job hunting, as well, has become a real slog. I simply don’t have any get-up-and-go. Who knows? Maybe it’s depression…perhaps it’s anticipation of the upcoming scan on October 9th. Either way, I haven’t felt motivated since before I went to Florida about two weeks ago.
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Guess I’m feeling a little
“boxed in” by life.
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Today’s blog title comes from the Green Day song of the same name.
If you’re familiar with the song, it’s a ballad that tells of the singer’s sadness over the loss of his father (who died of throat cancer) when he was ten-years-old. Each and every September reminds him of his father’s death. There’s been some debate about what the song really means. The music video is about a young couple and the guy joins the Marines and, we assume, goes off to fight in the Middle East. Some folks think the song has to do with September 11th.
I love the song and the fact that its lyrics have meant different things to many different people. That’s the power of music and the written word. To me the song has always seemed so sad, which makes me appreciate its innate power. I must confess that I get choked up at times by certain songs I hear because of the memories they invoke.
Now that I know the background of this Green Day song, I’ll never think about it the same way. Personally, I’m glad September is now over. I feel like I’ve wasted another month of my life. Frankly, I can’t waste many more months. Hopefully, I can recover my “mojo” during October. These lyrics sum up how September went for me –
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
The journey continues………..
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As many of you know, the AMC television drama,
Breaking Bad, came to a dramatic end last night after a successful five year run and numerous showbiz awards. I became addicted (yes, pun intended) to the show this season due to my sister-in-law’s recent obsession with the series. She spent the better part of July and August watching the first four seasons on
NetFlix.
While I don’t watch much television any more, I (along with Vicki) do, at times, get hooked (yes, another intentional pun) on certain shows based on the buzz (okay, I’ll stop…I promise) generated in the press or from others. In the case of Breaking Bad, I knew some things about the show and how popular it is (was?), but we never indulged in watching Walter White’s descent into the nether world of drug cartels and self-destruction.
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The king is dead.
Long live the king!
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Watching the show this season was a somewhat odd experience for me. I enjoyed the plot twists and turns, along with the terrific acting and cinematography. There were, however, some uncomfortable moments (and I don’t mean Uncle Jack killing Hank) – maybe uncomfortable parallels – that Walter and I share. First, we both are former school teachers. Second, we both have beautiful families. Third, we both have lung cancer. (Although mine is metastatic melanoma.) Maybe it’s these parallels that drew me to understand a desperate man’s sometimes desperate decisions.
Maybe it’s the fact that Walt finally admitted to Skyler in last night’s finale, and to himself, that he did all of this for his own sake. He wanted to prove something to himself before he died. And, depending upon how you look at it, he made his own peace before he died. Walt became very good at what he did and, like many other successful businessmen, he built a lucrative empire.
As for me, I certainly don’t consider myself desperate. There’s always going to be a little voice inside me that warns of impending doom regarding my cancer, but I just have to replace that voice with hope and prayer. I also believe it helps me to admit – like Walt – that a major reason I write this blog is for me. In other words, writing is one way to
replace that little voice with my own voice of reason. Or, as much reason as can be made by handling my situation without
breaking bad.
Now, I don’t intend to “break bad” like Walter White any time in the next several months. But I do think there’s a lesson to be learned from Walt’s decision to “go for it” in terms of doing what he wanted to do. He proved to himself that he could be a success. I think that’s something all of us want to do, but many of us – myself included – never quite figure out. What does “success” really mean? It can mean many different things to many people. At some point, I’ll answer that question about myself.
Remember, thanks for listening and have an A1 day!
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Today (September 24th) is the end of week five since I began treatment for my cancer. Not much new to report. As I stated in last week’s post, I have been feeling pretty good for the past week and a half, and the doctors are pleased that I have not had any significant side effects from the Gleevec (also known as
Imatinib). Also,
October 9th is the date of my next
CT scan. What we hope to see is that the two tumors in my right lung will be the same size (or, if larger, not by very much). The doctors have said that any shrinkage or reduction would likely occur
after 3 or 4 months on this drug.
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| “Only thing…to fear is fear itself.” |
So why am I blue, or better yet, just somewhat sad? A week or so ago, I was in a very good place – emotionally – and I felt like I had turned that proverbial corner in regards to my journey. Yet, there continues to be that darkness or sadness hanging onto my being. It comes and it goes, much like the wind passing through the leaves in the tree outside my window. Those leaves will begin to turn brown as fall approaches. Soon they will tumble to the ground as days grow darker and colder. Yet I will endure, hunkered down in my house…Nixie, as always, close by my side.
Perhaps it’s the anticipation of the unknown. Not certain what the next leg of my journey will be or where it will take me. Perhaps it’s being home all day. I know, many of us would love the opportunity to be home for a while…to get those chores and projects finished that we always seem to put off. And while I’ve been productive – to some extent – around our home, I want to be part of something once again. I want to feel like I’m contributing and, to be blunt, making some money. Being out of work is tough enough, but to be unemployed and sick is a real bummer!
This is one of those low points in the road that I call my journey. It will take time to pull myself back up, and, hopefully, good news on October 9th will lift my spirits.
Thanks for listening…
Week Four
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
After four weeks of treatment, I’m actually feeling pretty good. I saw my doctor last week (on September 11th), and he said that it’s not unusual for patients to tolerate Gleevec (my oral chemotherapy medicine) with only minimal side effects. Most of my initial side effects have seemed to wane, and I’m hoping that is a good sign. My blood and glucose levels were normal or, at least, in the acceptable range. Now, I will be on this medication for about another thirty days.
On October 9th, I will have a CT scan performed. We will immediately look at the results that day to determine if my tumors have grown or stayed the same. My doctor did tell me that it typically takes 3 to 4 months for tumors to shrink when treated with Gleevec. So, what we’re hoping to see is that my tumors have not changed or grown. I’m glad I have people much smarter than me monitoring my cancer. It’s a blessing to have some many folks “in my corner” as I continue my journey with melanoma, which brings me to today’s thoughts on being watched over.
***
Spending a lot of time at home has been both a blessing and a curse. Luckily, I have not had to endure being at home by myself. I have a shadow – literally – who follows my every move. Nixie, our six-year-old Border Collie has always been my constant companion. Now that I’m home more, it’s a given that I will be continually watched over or “guarded.”
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| Who’s watching over you?
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If you know anything about Border Collies then you know that they are highly intelligent, extremely focused dogs who fixate on their work with the intensity of a sixteen-year-old video game fanatic. These dogs also have boundless energy and a fervor for completing a job that would make any office manager jealous. Prior to last month, Nixie’s “job” was to chase balls and catch Frisbees. As long as Nix – as we call her – was busy then everything was fine. If we didn’t keep her busy, or give her enough exercise, there was “heck to pay.”
Now, her job is to watch over me…at least that’s what she thinks she is supposed to do. Nix is almost always by my side while I’m at home or outside in the yard. When I return home from running errands or from an appointment, she greets me as though I’ve come back from a long journey. I know most dogs are like this, but Nixie’s intensity has seem to grow ever since my diagnosis. Does she sense that something is wrong? Is it true that dogs can tell when their owners are ailing? I don’t know, but I do know that I’ve got a four-legged family member in my corner as I deal with my cancer.
In fact, I would think that everyone would want to have someone or something watching out for them. Whether or not you’re a spiritual person, there’s something comforting knowing that you’re being watched over…even if it’s a sometimes neurotic, always attentive thirty-eight pound fluff-ball.
And the journey continues…..
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Week Three
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
As of today, it’s been three weeks since I started my drug treatment. There’s nothing new to report. As I’ve told several of you, some days I’m doing just fine and other days I’m just plain tired. I have some soreness and a little bit of pain now-and-then, but nothing major. This end-of-the-summer heat has been brutal, and I can tell (as I’ve mentioned in other posts) that the excessive heat and my drugs don’t “mix” well.
So, I stay inside most of the day. I try to write, I update Facebook, I putter around the house with little projects, and I continue job hunting – although my motivation to job hunt waxes and wanes like the phases of the moon.
Which brings me to what else I’ve been doing this summer…giving back. This past week was an especially busy week of volunteering. Even before I got sick, I have always been big on volunteering. In fact, I think back to my days in college and vividly remember being involved in service projects with my fraternity. After college, I continued helping out whenever or however I could. It was after Vicki and I got married and moved to Memphis, however, that the volunteer bug really bit me. For many many years I helped out at church and in the community with a variety of efforts that are too numerous (and too boring) to detail. Let’s just say that I did my fair share, although there are a lot of folks who have done much more volunteering than I could ever imagine.
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| Glad I don’t have allergies. |
This week I spent a significant amount of time helping out with several different charities. Last Thursday (Sept. 5th), I spent half the day putting flowers into boxes. Not just any flowers, however. These were big, plastic spinning-wheel flowers for the Alzheimer’s Association. Saturday was the annual Walk to End Alzheimer’s here in Memphis. The flowers were for the Walk’s Memory Garden. Participating walkers received a flower to designate who or why they were walking. Most of you know by now that Alzheimer’s is the leading health issue for the elderly, and experts predict that in just a few years 1 out of every 3 persons over 70 will suffer some form of dementia. For me, this cause is especially personal since my mom is quickly losing her battle with dementia. Her mental and physical health have declined significantly in the past 18 months.
I also helped out for a few hours on Saturday (Sept. 7th) at the Walk. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much purple! I got to direct traffic, which was okay at first. But when people are showing up 10 minutes before the walk is to begin…that’s not fun. (Think Kevin James in Mall Cop. That’s how I felt towards the end of my shift.) Giving back, however, is not about fun – it’s about doing your part. Which brings me to my other volunteer adventure.
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| I did hang out under the tent. |
On Friday (Sept. 6th), I volunteered for a very unique fundraiser – the second annual Clays for Kids tournament to raise money for the Ronald McDonald House of Memphis. Yes, a clay shooting tournament fundraiser! Only in the South. I could not believe the turnout! And these folks were serious about their clay shooting. It was a great afternoon, but, as I mentioned previously, it was held (of course) outside, and it was hot, very hot.
I enjoyed working this event and meeting a very different group of people. No, the participants were not all bubbas, and most were really friendly and approachable. It helped me to remember that everyone deserves to be judged on their actions, not on how they look or our own perceptions. What’s that saying…”never judge a
book by its cover.” Very true.
Finally, giving back this past week reminded me that everyone has a place in this world, and it’s up to us to recognize what’s truly important – being there for others. Whether it’s being a good spouse, parent, or friend, we all have a place that is our own. It’s simply a matter of figuring out where we belong and where we can be most helpful, as all of us – myself included – continue life’s journey.
Until tomorrow….
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