May 17, 2019 – Paducah, Kentucky Vicki and I are hanging out in the sitting room of a historic old home in the Lower Town Arts District section of downtown Paducah. We’re in Paducah for an early birthday celebration (mine) and for the Lower Town Arts and Music Festival, which happens to be the same weekend.
This historic house was built in the 1852 and was once the home of David Yeiser: pharmacist, early Paducah’s mayor, and civic leader. The home is a Greek Revival structure with shallow hip roof in traditional green coloring. The Yeiser house has undergone extensive renovation and is now an event and arts space known as the Smedley-Yeiser.
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| A room with a view.
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Anyway, while hanging out and sipping on a regional craft beer, I get a phone call from my skin doctor’s office. Not completely unexpected – I was at the dermatologist earlier in the week and she took a small biopsy of a spot in the middle of my back. (I’ll get into the location in a moment.) At the time, a nurse said it would be several days before they received the results. So, the call seemed a little early.
The caller is one of the nurses, who goes into a convoluted explanation that while the initial biopsy was negative for malignancy – the sample had residual scar tissue with a melanocytic nevus – the pathology lab wants a larger margin to ensure that nothing cancerous or pre-cancerous was missed.
It’s been about two years since I’ve had any moles or melanomas removed from my skin. Like my oncology visits, my skin doctor visits have become less frequent. The nurse’s call is more than just a status report. It is a definite wake-up call.
The phrase wake-up call can mean “a thing that causes people to become fully alert to an unsatisfactory situation.” (Google Dictionary)
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| Or, more aptly, a room with a brew.
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Before July 2013, my skin cancer worries were all on the surface. Since my Stage IV diagnosis, I’ve had three other melanomas diagnosed and removed. Now, unfortunately, I have to fight battles on two fronts: internally (inside my body) and externally (on my skin).
Definitely an unsatisfactory situation.
Another concern about the biopsy and recommended larger margin is the location on my back. It’s right at the bottom of the scar tissue from my 2011 surgery. In fact, the area is a skin graft taken from my right thigh. How deep will my doctor have to make the next incision? My imagination starts running in over-drive. Torture, mutilation, loss of muscle and just plain old bleeding to death all come to mind.
This sucks!
I’m suddenly drained and a bit angry after the call. It’s another reminder that the journey is never a smooth one.
– – –
I recover from the shock of the nurse’s call – alcohol and good food always help – and Vicki and I enjoy the rest of our weekend. We’re staying in a gorgeous loft in an old warehouse at one end of downtown Paducah. The Ohio River is right outside our living room windows.
The full online definition of wake-up call is “a thing that causes people to become fully alert to an unsatisfactory situation and to take action to remedy it.” (Google Dictionary)
It’s the last part most of us forget – at least initially – after receiving a wake-up call. If there’s a problem, deal with it. If you don’t like something, change it. If it doesn’t work, fix it.
I can’t change or fix my cancer, but I can continue to take steps to ensure it doesn’t get worse, or, in the case of my skin, ensure that I don’t get future abnormal “spots.” Prevention. Precaution. Vigilance. Those are the actions I can take to remedy an unsatisfactory situation.
A very unsatisfactory situation.
Thanks, as always, for listening.
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May 9, 2019 – Last Saturday (May 4th), a call came to my cell phone just as Avengers: Endgame was about to start. The call was from a number in Florence, Alabama. Probably just another robocall from a fake number. But for one quick moment, I thought, I wonder if?
In late October of 2018, Vicki and I celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary (see post) with a weekend trip to Florence, Alabama. While in Florence, we went to Stanfield’s River Bottom Grille at the Florence Harbor Marina to watch the water and have a drink. We sat outside on the upper deck. When we got ready to leave, I reached inside my pants’ pocket to get some change and one of my pocket tokens fell out and dropped through the wood planks and onto the deck below.
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| It truly is the little things in life.
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I told Vicki that I definitely heard the metal token hit the decking beneath us. But when we went to search for the token – which is about the size of a quarter – it wasn’t there. We were standing outside the harbor master’s office. When we told the manager on duty what had happened, she said the token likely fell through the bottom planks and into the pontoons underneath. She told us that they pull up the pontoons and buoys once a year – typically in the spring – to clean them. I wrote my cell number on the back of her business card. The manager said she would call me if they found my token.
Six months later – that’s exactly what happened. The manager, Ava, put my token in the mail (it arrived today, May 9). It’s now back safely in my pocket along with the other three tokens I have carried for more than ten (10) years.
I could continue on about how much this small gesture has meant to me – yes, there are times when the “little things in life” truly make life worthwhile – but I think I’ll just let the result speak for itself.
Thanks for listening.
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April 16, 2019 – We’ve just returned from Saint Petersburg, Florida after our first vacation in almost six (6) months. We were in downtown St Pete for the 25th Annual Tampa Bay Blues Festival, which was held on the water in Vinoy Park.
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| Yes, that’s a pair of dolphins patrolling the waters.
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It was another great weekend with great music, good food, and wonderful views. The picture I took early Friday (April 12) evening of Tampa Bay is just awesome.
I simply love how this photograph captured so many elements at one time: the clouds on the horizon, the boats anchored in the bay, the calm waters, and that pair of dolphins loping on by.
In a word (or, two) this picture captured my mood at that time: serene.
Serene (according to Google) means calm, peaceful, and untroubled; tranquil
Those words sum up exactly how I felt while at Vinoy Park listening to awesome blues music and watching the water. I think a better word to define how I felt is the noun, serenity: the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.
It’s a state of mind that I would love to continue to be in.
Thanks, as always, for stopping by and listening.
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Writer’s Note – I’ll continue to update my blog on a periodic basis. No set schedule. So, I want to thank everyone who continues to stop by and check out my blog. Please leave a comment or message; I’d love to hear from you.
March 30, 2019 – I learned earlier this week that my life is simply “status quo.” Actually my life is not status quo, but my current health condition – details below – is currently status quo. It’s a term used in a variety of situations, but I’m not sure that status quo applies to all situations. Here’s the definition courtesy of Google’s online dictionary:
Status quo (noun) the existing state of affairs, especially regarding social or political issues
Status quo is a Latin phrase meaning the existing state of affairs, particularly with regard to social or political issues. In the sociological sense, it generally applies to maintain or change existing social structure and values. … To maintain the status quo is to keep the things the way they presently are. (Wikipedia)
I guess that’s a good way to look at it: keep things the way they are.
That’s the way my family would certainly like my health to be. Just keep Ken and his present condition(s) the way they are – if not, perhaps, improving them somewhat. Of course I understand that sentiment, but I continue to get irked by neighbors, friends, even extended family who act as though “no news if good news” means that everything in my world is okay.
Unfortunately, everything is never simply “okay.” I have good days and bad days – currently more good days – and I constantly worry about everything (and I mean everything). I’m not talking about my cancer or my heart. I’m talking about my family – including Emily’s health – my father’s health, my relatives, and just life in general.
That’s the rub – as I’ve stated many times before. Life moves on. Not much you can do about that.
So, I’ll take my current situation and move forward.
Or better yet, just maintain the status quo.
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| A heart-healthy meal.
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Melanoma Update – As previously noted, my last CT scan and oncologist visit was late November. Tumors remain small and stable (meaning they have not grown or significantly changed). There are no new tumors, either. I remain on Gleevec and I now see my oncologist every six (6) months – instead of every three months. All around, good news to report.
Heart Update – I continue my cardio rehab through Methodist Health Systems at my cardiologist’s practice (Sutherland Cardiology). It’s been a good process to go through and I will finish “rehab” in early May. I have lost a little weight and continue to keep it off. In addition, I am eating much healthier (see pic of sample meal) and I’m learning to try and like new, healthier food options. (Quinoa anyone?)
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Ornament currently on our tree.
(See Note below.)
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Comment – This is an abbreviated version of a longer piece that I intend to have published.
December 21, 2018 – The pain literally pulled me up from the bed. My chest was starting to burn – no other way to truly describe it. This feels weird! I thought. I made it downstairs and drank some ice water from the fridge. I felt a little nauseous and a bit disoriented. It was, after all, just past midnight, and I had only been asleep for three hours. The burning sensation continued, so I took some Tums thinking that I had the mother of all heartburn. The Tums didn’t help.
I sat in the big brown chair in our den. I was alone downstairs. Zoe, our new border collie, decided it was more important to sleep than to come down and check on me. So much for saving Timmy in the well!
Still thirsty, I stood up to get some more water. That’s when my chest pain went nuclear. Now, instead of a burning sensation, my chest pain felt like a combination of being pressed with a giant vise along with a full-grown male elephant balancing on it with one leg.
(Later at the hospital, I told the doctor my chest felt like a curb-stop with a Chevy Suburban perched on top.)
Painful…to say the least. I was doubled over the leather ottoman asking God, What is going on? He didn’t immediately respond. Instead, he pointed me to the true authority on all health matters: Google. So, as the pain eased, I sat in the big brown chair and used my phone to search the Internet for “chest pain.” 761 million entries later I still wasn’t sure what was wrong.
I finally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. I ate a small breakfast and took Zoe for our morning walk. It was already drizzling, so I bundled up.
We never made it off our block. The chest pain was excruciating! Back inside the house, I called Vicki – whose office is less than 5 minutes away – and told her we needed to go to the emergency room.
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The attending physician came into the exam room to tell me that my troponin levels were elevated, but not too high. Congratulations…I had a mild heart attack! (There was nothing mild about that pain.)
Wonderful. With everything else we’ve dealt with over the past three years, we end 2018 with a real bang.
– – –
A cardiologist arrived about an hour later to explain the cardiac catheterization procedure. I had the procedure that afternoon and the cardiologist found 100% blockage of my right coronary artery. He cleaned out the blockage and inserted a stent.
I spent the rest of Friday and Saturday (Dec. 22) morning recovering in a private hospital room. The good news: there was no significant damage to my heart. The bad news: I will be on a multitude of meds for the foreseeable future.
We were happy to be back home in-time for the arrival of our son, Zach, for the Christmas holiday. Being home for Christmas and not laid up in a hospital bed was a true Christmas present.
So, Merry Christmas! Ours was another one to remember. Just thankful I was around to celebrate it.
Note: The heart ornament shown above was a gift from my sister-in-law, Alisa. I thought it was an appropriate symbol for this post – not simply because it’s a heart and not because it’s a Christmas ornament, but because the year (2011) was when I had my major melanoma surgery.
I survived that period to continue my journey. I’ll survive this as well.
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| Not realistic…even for millennials. |
November 7, 2018 – This past Saturday (November 3) I learned a sad but valuable lesson on friendship. Like most people, I’ve always desired good – and even close – friendships with others. I’ve never been a “popular guy” (based on someone else’s definition of popular), but I typically make acquaintances easily, and – in most social settings – I tend to be a go along to get along type person. At the same time, however, I’m very independent-minded and I prefer solitude to crowds. This contradiction – easy-going and somewhat likable versus independent, loner – inevitably causes strain in my relationships with others.
I’m also a sort of shy and sensitive person who reacts – Vicki would say “over-reacts” – to verbal and physical cues. I typically think that others are immediately judging me – especially when I meet someone for the first time. So I tend to almost always have my guard up which makes others think that I’m stand-offish or snobby.
It’s also hard for me to brush things off. A slight or an innocent faux pas festers inside my head until I feel the need to lash out or “get back” at someone. It wears on me and Vicki. Hence, I wasn’t sure I wanted to finish this post once I started it. (I didn’t complete it until the end of December.) But I decided I needed to share a piece of myself.
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As we grow older, it seems our circle of friends gets smaller and smaller. That smaller circle is a normal result of life’s changes: death, divorce, moving away, and growing apart. All of these factors contribute to an ever shrinking circle. And, frankly, that’s sad.
For me, that circle has narrowed substantially in the last ten years. In fact, I may now be in the low single digits. Saturday’s episode (Nov. 3) certainly contributed to the loss of another friend. It was all over something stupid, but men, being men, have a hard time letting things go. Honestly, I’m not really sure why I let a stupid comment about pessimism get to me. But when someone says that you “suck” as a human – and you thought of this person as a friend – it’s real difficult to forgive.
Context note – Remember, if anyone has a reason to be pessimistic or negative about life, I think I have. Likewise, I’ve got a lot to be thankful for, too.
Initially, I was going to share other examples of friends who have essentially abandoned Vicki and me. But I now realize that we all have endured the pain of broken trust (and friendship). It’s all part of life and part of being a grown-up.
And, yes, it still hurts.
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Writer’s Note – I’ll continue to update my blog on a periodic basis. No set schedule. So, I want to thank everyone who continues to stop by and check out my blog. Please leave a comment or message; I’d love to hear from you.
