January

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As January comes to a close there’s not much new to report on the health front.  Perhaps that’s good news.  On January 15th, I went back to my oncologist for blood work and a consultation.  Everything appears good, even though my cramps and muscle spasms come and go with more frequency.  I blame part of this on the out-of-the-ordinary cold weather we’ve had here in Memphis (and everywhere else it seems), and my doctor concurred.  Asking me if I am “tolerating” the medicine (Gleevec) has become a routine question.  I think what he wants to really say is – As long as your liver is not in failure and you haven’t gone into a coma, then everything is fine.

My doctor wants me to have another CT scan on March 19th.  If the tumors are still in my right lung, we may decide to “zap” them with a procedure similar to the needle biopsy I had back in August.  My hope is that the tumors continue to get smaller.  Right now, they are very tiny.

So, I’ll continue to tolerate my medicine.

On Monday, January 27th, I become an official employee of the medium-sized manufacturing company in Bartlett, Tennessee that I’ve been on temp assignment with since mid-October.  I will be the human resources manager for the company.  Work has been “okay,” and I continue to learn new skills in the HR area and re-learn the subtleties of corporate life.  I think of this position as another opportunity to grow as a person and learn skills (and gain experience) that I can take anywhere in the future.

I still very much feel like an outsider at this company.  (I’ve decided not to name them for personal and professional reasons.) I think part of the reason is that no one there knows anything about my cancer.  And I want to keep it that way.  This may present a problem once March 19th rolls around, but I’ll tackle that issue once we know more from the doctors.

On the home front all is well.  Emily went back to school yesterday (January 25th).  It is very cold at the University of Maryland right now (again, as it is in most places this winter), and Emily has another challenging semester ahead of her. She seems to be adjusting to college life – albeit grudgingly – and her health continues to improve.  Vicki and I remarked at the airport yesterday how “grown up” Emily now looks.

 Zach continues to do an outstanding job at his academic competitions, which occur almost every weekend.  Yesterday, his team placed 2nd in a tournament hosted at a local high school, and Zach was honored for answering the most correct questions out of all the individual competitors during the morning session.

Finally, this Tuesday (January 28th), both Zach and Alisa (Vicki’s sister) celebrate birthdays.  It’s pretty cool to have two family members with the same birth date.  In fact, Zach’s best friend, Deepak, also has a January 28th birthday.

The journey continues…….

Another gratuitous picture of Nix.

The Note

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Last Friday (January 10th) I got a card in the mail.  When I got home from work, I looked at the back of the envelope, but did not recognize the address.  When I opened the envelope, I was stunned by what I read:

Dear Mr. Billett,

It was good to see you in the office the other day.  I was pleased to give you a good report on your skin.  I was worried to hear about the 2 metastases that showed up on your PET scan.  I am glad, however, that they were found so they could be addressed. I am hoping they will be able to eradicate them.

Anyway, I was just writing to let you know I am hoping and praying for your continued great health in 2014 and many years beyond!

Best wishes,

< I left his name out for personal reasons >

It was a handwritten note from my dermatologist!  He had sent it to me following my semi-annual visit about two weeks earlier.  A doctor wrote a personal note to a patient...How often does that happen nowadays?  Needless to say, I was taken aback – “stunned” was the word I used earlier – and a bit overcome by this very personal, very genuine show of concern.

A wonderful and simple gesture – something that I need to internalize and make sure I remember as a blessing in my life.

Thank you!

The Reason for the Season

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January 5, 2014.  We started to take “Christmas” down today.  For me, the end of “the season” is always full of melancholy and, sometimes, a bit of dread.  From what I’ve been told, it’s a fairly universal response to all of the build up leading to the Christmas holidays.  This year, in particular, Christmas felt bittersweet.  While I certainly enjoyed the time with my family, the holidays, however, felt stilted and, perhaps, somewhat forced.

Christmas Morning…ho, ho, ho

I put on a “good face” and I truly believe I enjoyed being around my immediate family, which includes my sister-in-law.  But once the presents were opened and the meal eaten, I just felt empty, which is so very sad.  My family has been through so much this year – mostly because of me – and I want them to enjoy our time together.  I want them to know that I want more than anything else to spend many, many more Christmases with them.

We hear it all the time – The Reason for the Season.  But what does that really mean?  For me, what am I supposed to feel during the holidays?  I have always struggled with “enjoying” Christmas.  It started when I was young, and, as I aged, some years Christmas felt like a burden at times.  Once the kids were born, I began to “feel” Christmas…feel what everyone likes to call “Christmas Spirit.” In all honesty, I think I learned to tolerate the holiday season, but not truly embrace it.

Doesn’t that sound terrible?  Tolerate Christmas?  Sounds pretty pathetic.  Yet, there I was – participating, shopping, laughing, enjoying time with others.  Was I being a hypocrite?  Or just being human?  Sometimes it’s just hard to be honest with yourself, and I wonder if some people “bury” themselves in Christmas because they feel they have to, not because they really “feel” the spirit, but because they watch others – or have been conditioned by others to –       enjoy the holidays.  Maybe I’m the one being honest with myself?  I think spending time with your loved ones, regardless of all the cliches, is the true spirit of Christmas.  My goal is to find a way to capture that spirit within myself all year, not just for the holidays.

That would be a gift that I would truly enjoy.

So another year of my journey begins….Happy New Year!

Happy Anniversary?

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Writer’s Note – The following was originally published on one of my other blogs in November 2012.  I thought it might be of interest to those of you who may wonder what it must feel like to deal with the mental aftermath of surgery and the “scars” that remain.

The blog I refer to is called Nice Guys Finish….http://kbniceguysfinish.blogspot.com/

It’s a collection of my thoughts that are introspective, snarky, sometimes highly negative, and – often times – very pitiful.  I recently began to update this blog as a reminder to myself that we all have our hidden side…think Jekyll and Hyde, and while I want people to feel the good my journey will bring to this world, there is still that negative, self-centered “beast” in all of us that yearns to be heard.

November 2, 2012.  Today is the one-year anniversary of my Stage 1, Clark’s Level V melanoma removal from my right upper-back.  Doctors removed about a tennis ball-sized amount of tissue, then had to go back in about a week later to “clean up” the margins.  I had a 3.5 inch by 6 inch skin graft from my thigh to cover the “flap” created by the plastic surgeon.  I’m about fully recovered as far as movement and stamina are concerned.  However, I still get minor aches and pains when I do too much lifting or other activities.  I still can’t seem to exercise as much as I used to, and, unfortunately, swimming is almost completely out. I find that I really don’t care about exercising, except riding my mountain bike.

I will see a plastic surgeon in a few weeks to look at the scar tissue (including what’s left of my “flap”).  He may suggest an additional procedure to improve the “look” of my back.

In February of this year, while still recovering from November’s surgery, I had two (2) in situ melanomas removed – one on my upper cheek, the other on my upper back (on the other side).  Needless to say, this past winter and spring were not pleasant for me or for my family.

I hope and pray that everyone who suffers through this disease continues to get better and gets the best possible treatment.

Unfortunately for me, I feel that every visit to the dermatologist is just another “shoe waiting to drop.”  Some days, I don’t feet like waiting for the “other shoe.”  Oh, well.

Whoopee!

James Jeffrey – In Memoriam

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Uncle Jim

On Friday, December 20th, my family held a funeral service for my uncle, Jim Jeffrey.  Uncle Jim died last Sunday of complications brought on by a host of ailments, primarily the after-effects of chemotherapy and the further onset of Alzheimer’s.  Uncle Jim was a unique individual, and the obituary (below) from the funeral home doesn’t due justice to a man who fully embraced the ideal of “following your heart.”

Uncle Jim was married to my dad’s older sister, Barbara.  Both were talented musicians who lived for many years in the heart of New York City.  Jim fluently spoke several foreign languages, was an accomplished gourmet chef, and a handy-man who could fix or rebuild just about anything – electrical appliances, car engines, refurbed houses.  On top of that, he was an opera singer!  

There is a lot about my Uncle Jim that I will never know, or certainly won’t remember, but one clear memory of Jim was his singing of Ave Maria at our wedding.  Beautiful does not even come close to describing Jim’s performance.  Singing at the weddings of nieces and nephews, accompanied, of course, by Aunt Barbara on the organ, became a family tradition that Jim seemed to relish.

I copied the funeral home’s brief obituary (below), along with an early picture of Jim.  That picture is the memory of the man I want to remember.  The man who truly followed his heart.

James  E.  Jeffrey March 29, 1932 – December 15, 2013

James E. Jeffrey JEFFREY, James, 81, of Tampa, Florida passed away Sunday, December 15, 2013. He was born in Savannah, GA and moved to Tampa in his teens. James was a graduate of Hillsborough High School, and he received a Bachelor’s degree in modern foreign languages from the University of Tampa.  James was a United States Navy Veteran during the Korean War, serving on the USS Randolph. He went to the University of Miami on a teaching assistance ship, then moved to New York City in 1971 where he became a professional singer. James sang at Radio City Musical Hall in the chorus, performed with other small opera companies, and he sang in the Metropolitan Opera Company chorus for 19 years. He is preceded in death by his three sisters. James is survived by his wife of 57 years, Barbara; sister-in-law, Leanna Bailey and her husband, Tom; brother-in-law, Ken Billett, Sr. and his wife Glenda; nephew, John Sanford and his wife, Valarie, and many other nieces and nephews. A memorial service will be held at 10:00 am on Friday, December 20th at Loyless Funeral Home. Interment will follow at the Florida National Cemetery in Bushnell, FL at 12:30 pm. The family will receive friends one hour prior to the service. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in James name to the Melech Hospice House.

The Song Remains the Same

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December 4th – After another eight (8) weeks of treatment, I had a CT scan this afternoon.  The results were good: the remaining tumors in my right lung are still very tiny, almost too small to recognize any discernible changes from the previous scan on October 9th.  My oncologist said that, for now, I will remain on Gleevec, and in a few months we’ll do another scan to see how I’m doing.

If the tumors remain in-place then it may be necessary for me to have a procedure – similar to my needle biopsy – to remove them.  But that is still well off into the immediate future.  There will be several consults and scans before any decision is made.

So, why am I not very excited by this news?  Why do I feel a sense of melancholy in a prognosis that is mostly positive?  Why did I feel as though there was more to learn from today’s analysis?  Was I hoping and praying – maybe naively – that my cancer would just “go away.”

Perhaps it was the other part of my doc’s discussion with Vicki and me.  The realization, once again, that I have a disease that may never completely go away.  Or it may lie dormant for years, then rear its ugly head when I least expect it.  He discussed the positives of the current drug: it’s keeping any additional tumors from creeping up in other areas of my body.  My cancer, however, may have other mutated versions that might not, or will not, respond to the current treatment.  Meaning we would start all over, again.  That was one of the negatives we discussed.

Too many unknowns…not a place I like to be in.  Yet, three months ago, I wanted to be able to live long enough to see my son, Zach, graduate from high school…to, perhaps, see both of my children graduate from college…Just another 10 years I asked God on more than one occasion.  All I wanted was some more time…something all of us – me especially – take for granted.  (And I still do!)  As I said, I should be happy, but I feel a bit melancholy, right now.

So, the song remains the same…maybe it will change with the new year.

Thanks for listening.

Hear my song.  People won’t you listen now?